Everyone knows by now I’m an outspoken guy. My lawyers, the Devil may rip out their souls if he hasn’t got them already, have time and again advised me against it but I can’t help myself. Every time when some idiot moron raises his voice about my life’s work, the noble commerce of F1, I feel the need to set the record straight. And every time I do that, the effing journos pick up on every word I use. And to add insult to injury, they always pick up on side issues instead of what really matters. Such as that time when I defended my old friend Max by pointing out he’s someone who gets things done, like Hitler and Saddam in their days.
Point was, Max got stuff done! That remark wasn’t about Hitler at all! Everyone knows I hate Krauts. Oops, here I go again. Bet they’re going to write that I’m against Michael’s return now. For the record, of course I’m not. Frigging control freak brings in the big bucks, innit? And I get a quarter of every buck that goes into F1, don’t I? So why would I be against that?
Anyways, no journo has ever been waylaid by the truth. So I’ve decided that from now on I’ll come out in public as a fake version of myself. So I can say anything I like and if the shit hits the fan (which it always does) deny it was me said it.
Reason I’m starting right now? I dunno, guess I was pushed over the edge. Michael Giraffe Neck Shoemaker’s return to my little shop has caused an avalanche of stuff I feel should be put straight. Such as that fantasy stuff about all of this being Ross Brawn’s idea. I mean, for Chrissakes! Do you really think my old friend Ross would make such a decision without me?
Let me tell you one thing: Ross is a brilliant guy, but an entrepreneur he ain’t. And he doesn’t need to be either, cuz the only entrepreneur in F1 is me. I know exactly when Honda stopped paying his salary. He’s been on the horn every two frigging minutes since it happened. Bernie, Honda want 1 quid for the team. Are you really sure I can afford that? Should I negotiate it down to 1 Yen? Bernie, I still haven’t got any sponsors, can you lend me a few bob to stay in the 2009 season? Bernie, big bad Branson is bullying me into becoming his bitch, how can I avoid that? It never stopped.
In fact, it’s gotten worse. You’d think now Mercedes has bought his team and guaranteed his salary for the next few years he’d calm down a little. But apparently he’s fallen so much into the habit of asking me for advice before he takes a piss that he keeps going at it. “Bernie, I had coffee with Schumi” (he keeps calling him Schumi cuz he thinks that makes him more popular with his new Kraut masters) “and I joked about him making a comeback and he took me seriously! Should I do it? Wants to get away from the wife, she drives him crazy. Wants him to do house chores cuz he hasn’t got anything better to do, wash his own cars and such. Do you know how many cars he’s got? So now he’s buggering me continuously, thinking I meant it. Says he can’t sleep until I send him the paperwork. Should I do it? My masters love the idea but I’m sure if he’s screws up they’ll all blame me. Waddayathink, Bernie?”
So I pat him on the back, hold his hand and say of course Ross, you should do it. Don’t worry about paying him a tad more than that spoilt brat Jenson cuz the sponsors will more than make up for it. And if they don’t, I will. Matter of fact, send them to me and I’ll take care of it. Much better that way.
I love this sports. It may have cost me my lovely gall Slavica but it’s worth it. Land of unlimited opportunities, I always say. Watch this space. And if anyone feels offended, it wasn’t me. It was some fake geezer pretending to be me. And Hitler did get stuff done. As did Saddam.