Team orders? Oh please

Talk about wind socks. I can still vividly remember the outrage about team orders when Barrichello had to let Schumacher pass for points, in Austria in 2002. People were baying for blood and the FIA, finding out there was nothing illegal here, slapped a million dollar fine on the lot of them for podium abuse. Those were the days, my friend.

Anyway, thought that was clear. So who can describe my utter astonishment when I see morons like Martin Brundle, who of all people should know better, blathering about how Ferrari should’ve told Massa to let Alonso pass so he could attack Kubica and Button.

Alonso's head on this platter, please

Massa? Letting Alonso pass? Have you taken leave of your senses, Martin? So far things ‘ve been fairly civilised, with Felipe and Fernando being the biggest pals in the world and all that crap, especially when the TV cameras are running and the little red light is on. But we’re all waiting for the explosion. Except Brundle, apparently.

This is what you get when race drivers become bloody journos. Not only do they report, they also have an opinion. And the worst is yet to come. The BBC are now grooming David ‘Pundit’ Coulthard to be their next star. Almost makes me think of retirement.

Wind socks

Unbelievable how it was just one week ago that everyone and his brother predicted the death of F1. And now all of a sudden F1 ‘has produced a classic’, the race was spot-on and everyone’s forgotten Bahrain boredom.

Journos are a bunch of wind bags. It’s natural – otherwise they would’ve chosen a real profession. But who knew that the bloggers, the so-called heroes of new media, would be worse? They don’t deserve to be called wind bags. They’re a bunch of bloody wind socks.

It’s official…

…The D-word has arrived in F1. With official Ministerial approval no less. Lewis, you are truly a silly young man. Tut tut.

John Travolta just waved the Checkered Flag for Button

For a while we were worried there because he kept hovering around the safety car. Bernd finally found a way to distract him. Got him back just in time. Phew.

Schumacher getting back at Alguersuari…

… for passing him during his tyre change pit stop. Commentator says wheel banging is probably unintentional. Those who know The Neck know better.

Steve Slater is trying to do the Murray Walker thing

One of the screens in my pit lane suite shows ESPN, with Steve Slater doing the race comments. Steve’s going “This is Massa in pursuit of Kubica. These drivers are really having a difficult time. And by the way it’s Alonso but you still can see how hard they try.”

Keep going, Steve. Some day you’ll become really famous, like Murray.

Stay out of Schumacher’s way after the race

King of Rain lost five places during the rainy phase. He’s on fresh tyres now but still not making a dent. Stay away from the Mercedes garage after the checkered flag. It’s not going to be pretty.

Vettel in the gravel box

Last seen on his knees in the gravel. Must be looking for a lost spark plug.

Just got called out to prevent Travolta from commandeering the safety car

Caught him in the middle of a heated discussion with Bernd Maylander, insisting on piloting the safety car next time it’d be called out. Used the word ‘piloting’, said he was certified on twelve types of aeroplane so why not the safety car? Managed to talk him out of it but he didn’t look convinced. Neither did Bernd.

Thank God for rain

After weeks of pointless discussions how to make races more attractive, here’s the one to end them all: a spot of rain. Need to have a little pow wow with the Chinese who seem to be world readers in rainmaking. Now that would be a solution, having some cannon inducing rains at critical points during the race.

Definitely beats shortcuts.