Daily Archives: November 5, 2010

Mark Webber is ‘totally relaxed’

The lad arrived from Australia in a totally different mood from the others. Aren’t you a bit worried about losing your grip on the title? I asked him.

“Not at all. I’m totally, totally relaxed,” he says. “Couldn’t be more relaxed, frankly. Motivated, but relaxed.”

So you don’t care whether you win the title or not?

“Of course I care,” he says. “It’s fucking obvious. But I’m relaxed about it. Being relaxed is the best way to win.”

How about Vettel, then? He says he’s still racing you. Mateschitz backs him all the way. Meanwhile, Dr Strangelove and your boss are scratching their heads how to deal with the team orders or no team orders mess. Are you a first driver?

“I’m a relaxed driver. That’s what it’s all about, Mr E.”

Hamilton is running around totally fired up, says he’s gunning for the title with all his might.He has a responsibility to McLaren, England, and his fans. In that order, I believe. Aren’t you feeling his pressure?

“Lewis should be more relaxed. He’ll die young if he goes on like that. I’ll tell ya, stress is bad for you, mate.”

My man. This is what true F1 Champions should be made of. Conspiracy swirls around him, competitors are baying for his blood, team bosses breathing down his neck. The press is laying siege on an ongoing basis. But the man’s relaxed.

Hope he’s not on drugs.

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Sir Big Swinging Dick is pissed off

He doesn’t take kindly to me calling him a cripple. It didn’t take long. Hardly did my Financial Times interview hit the news stands or my phone starts to make orgasm sounds: Branson’s ringtone. I’ll have to ask my beautiful assistant to put him back under my generic ringtone again, Once upon a Time in the West, or else one of these days he’ll call on the wrong moment and I’ll have some explaining to do.

Anyway, he was livid. “Bernie,” he rages, “Did you actually call me a cripple? By name? In the FT, of all places? What have I done to you? It’s uncool!”

Well, I say, I called your team a cripple. That’s not the same thing. And I did mention you by name as someone who should have a couple million quid to spare. Which in my book is positive. And I did compare your with Dieter Mateschitz, what’s wrong with that?

“I don’t bloody care if you’ve compared me to bloody Mateshit or anybody else for that matter. What matters is, you’ve ridiculed my racing team and put me on the spot as some kind of pauper! People’ve already started to ask me if it’s true that I just pay them enough to stay alive and nothing else. The bloke I bought the FT from actually forced me to take the change!”

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