Lewis, let me help you out again

First there was the hooning problem. The FIA can now revoke F1 licences for anyone who won’t behave on the roads, and Lewis can’t help himself behind the wheel of a fast car. So I bought him a little Myers three wheeler with 27bhp and only one rear wheel. Can’t go wrong with that.

But now poor old Lewis has discovered Twitter. And guess what? Can’t help himself again.

“How could I know that so many people would read my tweets?” he says. “I thought I was only speaking to my fans!”

Lewis, if you put something on the Twitter the whole world can see it, not only your fans. Even I know that, and I’m from before the War.

“But that’s impossible! This means I can’t type anything on my phone without half the world getting their balls in a knot? That’s unfair! If I have a smartphone, I should be able to use it to the limit, shouldn’t I? It’s just like with cars!”

Not to worry, Lewis. Uncle Bernie once again has a solution for all your problems. Here’s a phone that lets you do all the things you need to do, and only those. Can’t go wrong once more. Perfect for you. Call your Mum, your sweetheart, your boss, or me. I would’ve put your manager under the fourth button but you don’t have one, and I’m the closest you’ll ever come to a manager anyway.

“And Ron Dennis? What if I want to call him?”

Don’t worry, Lewis. He’s under the SOS button.

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