Category Archives: Mercedes

Just had breakfast with Ross

I said, don’t you need to be in the pit garage right now? He says yes, but we still have that German caterer, you know, the Soup Nazi? Tried to get rid of him for a long time now but the problem is, he’s Mercedes approved. Had to file a request through Norbert, all the way up the line. I believe it’s about to go before the Daimler Board now.

And I tell you, Bernie, it’s not contributing to team morale. Things are so tense, you could cut slices off the atmosphere on days like this. Michael’s seconds off the pace while Nico’s doing stellar laps. Michael blames me for designing a car that’s more suited to Nico than to him and not redesigning it fast enough, and on top of that I have to deal with the car being off the general pace altogether.

Norbert’s under pressure from Zetsche, who wants results or else. And meanwhile Continue reading

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Saw Ross Brawn yesterday over a beer.

He was almost crying in it. I know he’s a bit of a moaner, but to go into a complete funk over Bahrain seems a bit much. Come on Ross, I said, fifth and sixth ain’t that bad. You’ve got a whole season ahead of you, and all the money and might of Mercedes to prove it.

“You’re hitting the nail on the head,” he says. “The full might of Mercedes coming down on me, that’s what.” I say listen, a few Krauts around the paddock, grownup like you should be able to handle that. And they’re good engineers, aren’t they? By nature, I mean. Being German and all that. It’s in the genes.

He says, “it’s not just that. It’s the whole thing. They changed the catering – no more fish ‘n chips with some vinegar from the people we knew and loved. Continue reading

Zetsche to Schumacher: It’s your neck

This is why I’ll never have a German boss. Look at Dieter Zetsche here, all smiles over his minion Schumacher. Meanwhile, he’s very clear in his statements to the press: “Wit Daimler it’s all about winning, you know. If zere are clear signs zet our money could be better spent outside Formula Eins, ve’ll hav to make a new decizion.”

If you weren’t aware that the guy is stingier than a Dutchman on a budget, Herr Zetsche will take away all doubts for you: “[The fact that we went into this together with some Abu Dhabi investors] shows zet ve are distributing our risk, and it is also a zignal zet ze Formula Eins team must pay for itself.”

So is he Dutch, then? No, he’s most definitely a bloody Kraut: “Ve take our guidance from Gottlieb Daimler, who said ‘Ze best, or nozzing at all.'”

Just so you know.

The Neck

Sigh. I can see this coming. Ever since Michael ‘Giraffe’ Shoemaker thought about stepping in to replace Massa and then didn’t on account of his neck, the press has been all over one thing, and one thing only. Believe you me, we haven’t heard the last of The Neck by a long stretch (no pun intended).

Take the other day. Hardly has the Saviour of All Germans done two laps in Jerez, Continue reading

Officer of the Bloody Empire

I’m not pissed off.

I mean, why should I? Because these prats over at Brawn are getting honoured by the bloody Queen and I haven’t gotten anything in all those years? Effing outdated idiocy if you ask me. I mean, the silliness of it all. Ross gets an OBE, “Officer of the British Empire”. What empire? And Jenson, who’s done all the actual driving, gets stuck with an MBE, “Member of said Empire”. So now they accept members too? What is this, some stupid club?

Continue reading