Category Archives: Rookies

This is what I mean by ‘cripples’

… a bunch of bleedin’ amateurs who can’t get their act together. Need I say more?

Sakamoto’s still in Japan, Klien’s in Abu Dhabi without even knowing whether he’ll race or not. Sir Big Swinging Dick is too busy talking to a bunch of Russians to do anything constructive for next year.

And Lotus Racing is now not only fighting Group Lotus over who can call themselves Team Lotus but also the former Team Lotus about possibly selling themselves out to Group Lotus instead of just continuing as Lotus Racing. If you get my drift.

Did I sign up for this bloody mess when I promised to subsidise rookie teams with 15 million quid each? I did not. This has to stop. I’ve had enough.

I just phoned all three of them and no, I won’t mention names for a change, but you know you are: put in more money or sell to someone who will. And settle the mess. Or else.

Morons.

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Dr Mahathir called

He wanted a quick word about Tony Fernandes. Mahathir used to be Prime Minister of Malaysia but in retirement he’s apparently become a sort of Automotive Industry Czar for the country.

“Mr Ecclestone, it has been brought to my attention that you’ve spoken harsh words about Dato Sri Fernandes and his team in the press, lately. Mr Fernandes and 1Malaysia Racing are going through some tough times at the moment. However, Dato Sri has done good work to advance the cause of Lotus and Malaysia. His results will be put to good use in the future and he certainly doesn’t deserve to be called a cripple.”

Ah, so you mean he’s rebuilt the Lotus name for you and now it seems to work out you’re going to take it away?

“The Lotus name was never his, Mr Ecclestone. It was ours all along. We just gave Mr Fernandes some play room while we were building our strategy. And do not worry, we’re not going to take anything away. He will be amply rewarded for his efforts, maybe some extra landing slots for his little airline or some real estate in Kuala Lumpur, we may even make him a Datuk or Tan Sri. I still have to decide about that. But he will be taken care of.”

Airline slots? Real estate? Dalek titles? And here’s me thinking the good Doctor isn’t Malaysia’s Prime Minister any more. Anyway, my number one rule is never to go into discussion with politicians. Except for one thing, of course.

Thank you, Dr Mahathir. I’ll await the outcome. But whatever you do, whether it’s called Renault, or Lotus, or Protus, please make sure it’s well-funded.

Cripples are people who don’t invest enough. I hate cripples.

Sir Big Swinging Dick is pissed off

He doesn’t take kindly to me calling him a cripple. It didn’t take long. Hardly did my Financial Times interview hit the news stands or my phone starts to make orgasm sounds: Branson’s ringtone. I’ll have to ask my beautiful assistant to put him back under my generic ringtone again, Once upon a Time in the West, or else one of these days he’ll call on the wrong moment and I’ll have some explaining to do.

Anyway, he was livid. “Bernie,” he rages, “Did you actually call me a cripple? By name? In the FT, of all places? What have I done to you? It’s uncool!”

Well, I say, I called your team a cripple. That’s not the same thing. And I did mention you by name as someone who should have a couple million quid to spare. Which in my book is positive. And I did compare your with Dieter Mateschitz, what’s wrong with that?

“I don’t bloody care if you’ve compared me to bloody Mateshit or anybody else for that matter. What matters is, you’ve ridiculed my racing team and put me on the spot as some kind of pauper! People’ve already started to ask me if it’s true that I just pay them enough to stay alive and nothing else. The bloke I bought the FT from actually forced me to take the change!”

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Lotus boredom

In typical Lotus style, our boys in green were the rookies that adapted fastest to the experienced teams’ habits. Although I’m certain SS Sauber beat this contraption down the pitdrain pitlane hands down.

Don’t worry, Tony. Next year your boat will undoubtedly be faster. By the way, is there any significance to it having twin hulls?

HRT’s Japanese dilemma

I spent decades herding a bunch of unruly cats into a professional, streamlined, global racing series. And look what happens if you give them a little slack.

First we have the Koreans defeat any way of getting them to comply with inspection deadlines, milestones or anything of the sort. “We’ll be ready right before race time, thank you.”

And now the FIA has to assume who’ll be racing for HRT when announcing drivers for Friday’s Suzuka press conference, since the losers themselves haven’t been able to decide yet.

Time for have a quick word with Colin Kolles, then. “You’re keeping us in suspense again, Colin. Sakomoto hasn’t paid up yet? Can the lot of you make up your minds, please?” No comment, Bernie, he says. But we’re checking our bank statements every day.

See? That’s what I mean. Place is going down the drain.

Turns out US F1 wasn’t completely virtual

The only two physical things they owned were a couple of fully equipped eighteen wheelers. Coming to think of it, I should’ve known because I now remember Ross Brawn bragging about getting rid of these things when Mercedes bought his team and typically insisted on using their own equipment.

“At first I thought ‘Bloody Krauts’, this is going to cost me a bundle,” Ross said, “until I ran into Peter Windsor. Silly bugger had just gotten his first investment money and thought boatloads more were on the way. I told him, you’ll have to buy now or else they’ll be gone. As if. These things are harder to get rid of than a wank stain on the wall. ‘Oh right,’ he said, ‘I’ll have ’em then.’ Thought he made the deal of the century. Thank God for newbies!”

So now they’ve ended up on eBay. Sold off by hungry creditors. Apparently poor old Peter never even got around to repainting them. One of them’s got Jenson’s number still on it.

Cruel are the ways of the world. Especially the racing world.

Grand Prix nightmare

With a few days to go before the circus descends on Bahrain, the dice have rolled and the musical chairs are over. US F1 are out (were they ever in?), Campos is now Hispania, and Serbia Racing Stefan GP will have to hold their horses.

Going down the list, it does strike me that there’s a trend going on here, replacing brand names with country names. Out with Spyker, Honda, BMW and Toyota, in with Force India and Hispania. What’s next, a Korean team? Or worse, so-called national champions like Tata, Lada and Kia? Tony Fernandes tells me we were that close to having Proton Malaysia on the grid. And now there’s Putin trying to rebrand Renault as Lada, the pride of automotive Russia, with his countryman Petrov behind the wheel.

And suddenly the nightmare scenario strikes me. Continue reading