Tag Archives: F1 Suzuka

Threewheelergate is still keeping people busy

Hamilton in evil three-wheeler. Note that the driver has no shadow

Remember, you read about it here first. Maurice Hamilton did an in-depth investigation. From our side, we’re still investigating who let Maurice Hamilton in.

Rumours about Lewis having closed a pact with the Devil are completely baseless, of course. Coincidentally, soon after this he was propelled to fifth place on the UK’s Most Powerful Celebrities list. I’m only saying.

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“Felipe Massa, your Don needs you”

A little while ago I was worried that Luca de Montezemelemololo started behaving suspiciously like Il Commendatore. I was wrong. He hasn’t become the Commendatore; he’s become the Godfather of the Scuderia.

Poor Felipe found out the hard way. He was picked up immediately after Suzuka by a bloke in a bad suit and brought to Don Luca, who told his second number one driver in no uncertain terms: “I’m sorry Felipe, you were certainly not lucky this weekend: I’m sure that you will be the surprise of the last three races of the season. After this bad day you will be desperately keen to react and we will do everything to give you the possibility to win. Capisce?

I’m certain Felipe understood this message. He will be a strongly motivated number one driver indeed.

Lewis Hamilton And the Evil Eye of Suzuka

Poor Lewis. Suzuka really had it in for him. First he gets an ear infection, then he crashes out of first practice. Next thing he needs a new gearbox and is docked five grid places. Then his new gearbox gives out on him during the race so he has to let his team mate pass, costing him even more points.

The Evil Eye followed Lewis even at the Driver’s Parade draw. Jenson gets a Mercedes, there are Ferraris and Astons and Rollers, but Lewis has to draw the silly little three-wheeler Messerschmidt. And here comes the creepy part.

For this is the race were no fewer than three drivers end up with mysterious rear wheel failures. Di Grassi, Kubica and Rosberg all dropped out because their cars had become overpowered three wheeler Messerschmidts. If I were superstitious I’d never let Lewis near one of these things again.

But fortunately I’m not superstitious. Just saying.

Lotus boredom

In typical Lotus style, our boys in green were the rookies that adapted fastest to the experienced teams’ habits. Although I’m certain SS Sauber beat this contraption down the pitdrain pitlane hands down.

Don’t worry, Tony. Next year your boat will undoubtedly be faster. By the way, is there any significance to it having twin hulls?

Sauber boredom

This is where the experienced teams separate from the rookies. While Virgin plays cards, Sauber builds boats. And like everything, they take it very seriously.

Here’s a picture of the SS Sauber speeding down the pitdrain pitlane. Blimey, how exciting life in Suzuka must be today.

Virgin boredom

… during a wet wet wet waiting-for-qualifying session in Suzuka. Here’s a picture of Timo Glock and Lucas di Grassi determining who’ll be first number one driver and who’s second number one driver in the showdown with Lotus in the F1 Backmarker Championship.

One glance at the weather forecast was enough for me to decide to stay in London for the weekend. How can I still show you pictures from the pitlane, then, you might wonder? Silly you. Mr E’s spies are everywhere, of course.

Be warned. I may not be there, but I see and hear everything.

HRT’s Japanese dilemma

I spent decades herding a bunch of unruly cats into a professional, streamlined, global racing series. And look what happens if you give them a little slack.

First we have the Koreans defeat any way of getting them to comply with inspection deadlines, milestones or anything of the sort. “We’ll be ready right before race time, thank you.”

And now the FIA has to assume who’ll be racing for HRT when announcing drivers for Friday’s Suzuka press conference, since the losers themselves haven’t been able to decide yet.

Time for have a quick word with Colin Kolles, then. “You’re keeping us in suspense again, Colin. Sakomoto hasn’t paid up yet? Can the lot of you make up your minds, please?” No comment, Bernie, he says. But we’re checking our bank statements every day.

See? That’s what I mean. Place is going down the drain.