Tag Archives: Ferrari

The Forces of Evil are gathering

I re-watched Lord of the Rings the other day. Why is this relevant? Because it very much resembles what’s happening around F1 right now.

You’ve got this Evil Eye sitting on some bloody mountain. It wants to take over the world and has found a lackey in the person of the evil wizard Rupert Murdoch, seen here staring at his management reporting screen. The Evil Eye in the distance might be John ‘Sauron’ Elkann but I’m not sure yet. I will be if it indeed turns out to be true that his transsexual cocaine laced brother Lapo gets the keys to Ferrari. God help us all when that happens.

Welcome to my world. Really, you don’t make these things up.

Anyway, I had a quick talk with my old friend Luca ‘Da Godfather’ Montezemelemololo, not so long ago. Asked him if it was true. No Bernie, he said, it’s not. ‘Not at all, or not yet?’ I asked. Continue reading

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“Felipe Massa, your Don needs you”

A little while ago I was worried that Luca de Montezemelemololo started behaving suspiciously like Il Commendatore. I was wrong. He hasn’t become the Commendatore; he’s become the Godfather of the Scuderia.

Poor Felipe found out the hard way. He was picked up immediately after Suzuka by a bloke in a bad suit and brought to Don Luca, who told his second number one driver in no uncertain terms: “I’m sorry Felipe, you were certainly not lucky this weekend: I’m sure that you will be the surprise of the last three races of the season. After this bad day you will be desperately keen to react and we will do everything to give you the possibility to win. Capisce?

I’m certain Felipe understood this message. He will be a strongly motivated number one driver indeed.

Massa has a plan

Starting from the back, on a narrow street circuit, with a car that’s markedly faster than at least half the field before you: what’s a second driver to do?

Domenicali was very clear: Felipe, you have to get to the front as quickly as possible because Alonso needs all the help he can get. So there was only one answer, really. The engineers worked through the night, and here it is.

Brilliant. Also takes care of the Singapore Sling, so kills two birds with one stone. Not sure it’s legal, though.

But hey, it’s Ferrari.

Kimi called

Bernie, he says, you’re goowd friends with Gerard Lopez, are you not? Can you poot in a goowd word for a poowr Finn who wants to go back too Formula One?

Now there’s a surprise, Kimi. I thought you had so much fun in rallye sports?

“Well I had, but lately it has not been sow much fun any more. Turns out, you have to commyoonicate with people all the time. Even in the car you have to commyoonicate with your navigator, instead of just drive the thing.”

Commyoonicate? You mean you actually have to speak to people?

“Yes Bernie, all the time. This is not my style. I just want to have a goowd race. I want to concentrate on driving. I do not want someone yelling pace notes at me all the time. The owther day in Japan it happened again, like so many times before. We were doing fine, having a goowd race. Then I misunderstoowd a pace note and there we went again. It was the blowdy limit. I dont need advice, it just distracts me. I want to go back to being alone in the cawr.”

This was the longest speech I’d heard from him in all those years. Things must be really bad. Continue reading

Are we done now?

The verdict is out, the hysterics are over. The journos and, worse, the pundits had their day. Ferrari are guilty, and the $100,000 fine just happened to be the correct punishment. Kudos to the Hockenheim race stewards. Oh and team orders will be reviewed.

Moving on, people. Nothing to see here.

Eddie Jordan is starting to behave like a muppet…

… One of those two grumpy old guys on the balcony, to be precise. Statler or Waldorf, I never know which is which.

It’s been at the back of my mind for a while now and EJ himself finally alerted me to it. Called me up today, during a break in the World Motorsport Council Meeting, and started ranting about how Ferrari had treated us all like muppets and should be punished severely, Max Mosley-style.

I said, you mean with a whip? Convict Luca de Montezemelemololo to seven strokes of the cane, like they do in Singapore?

No Bernie, you know what I mean. They should be told who’s boss and it’s not them. If we let them get away with this, who knows where it’s going to end? Ferrari telling FIA to stick their rules where the sun doesn’t shine? Alonso telling the track marshals to blue flag everyone ahead of him so he has right of way all the way to the finish? Domenicali commandeering the pit lane when a Ferrari car’s about to pit? Bernie, you have to stop this here and now!

I said sorry Eddie, meeting’s about to start again. Talk to you later. Calm down and take one of those little pills, be a good boy.

F1 is becoming even more women-friendly

Hardly have I cleared up matters with Danica Patrick, or Ferrari back me up with a purpose built hair dryer engine. Most powerful beastie on the market. Especially handy when you’ve just celebrated a podium finish with a champagne shower and need to look spiffy again for the post-race conference.

Top Gear have already road-tested it. Turns out, it beats an Audi R8 Convertible hands down.