Tag Archives: hooning

Lewis, let me help you out again

First there was the hooning problem. The FIA can now revoke F1 licences for anyone who won’t behave on the roads, and Lewis can’t help himself behind the wheel of a fast car. So I bought him a little Myers three wheeler with 27bhp and only one rear wheel. Can’t go wrong with that.

But now poor old Lewis has discovered Twitter. And guess what? Can’t help himself again.

“How could I know that so many people would read my tweets?” he says. “I thought I was only speaking to my fans!”

Lewis, if you put something on the Twitter the whole world can see it, not only your fans. Even I know that, and I’m from before the War.

“But that’s impossible! This means I can’t type anything on my phone without half the world getting their balls in a knot? That’s unfair! If I have a smartphone, I should be able to use it to the limit, shouldn’t I? It’s just like with cars!”

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I found the perfect solution for Lewis

He kept calling me late at night, saying he couldn’t sleep, getting increasingly worried about the FIA taking away his Superlicence.

We announced this a couple of months ago: in future the FIA can and will punish its licence holders for road traffic offences. If you’re really bad they’ll even take your licences away. And yes, Lewis, that includes your F1 Superlicence.

It’s a leftover from Max Mosley’s days. Max was always big on two things: Road Safety – his big legacy – and Punishment. The new system sits on the crossroads of both. It does fit very well with FIA’s new mission in life, which goes way beyond motor racing alone. As a driver you’re now not only supposed to behave on the circuit, but in ordinary traffic as well. Unless you’re Jenson Button’s bodyguard, of course. Jean Todt likes the idea as well so he’s pushed it through the General Assembly. It’s official now.

Lewis on his way to the office

Which doesn’t help Lewis’ mood. Since Melbourne he thinks everybody’s out to get him. Thing is, people keep giving him these hideously fast cars to drive around in. So he thinks he has to prove he can drive them. It doesn’t even occur to him to lift the accelerator pedal a little. ‘Braking late is in my blood,’ he keeps saying.

I even suggested him Continue reading

Discover your inner hoon

Lewis, Michael and Sebastian already did, but they’re rank amateurs compared to this. The lad must live close to work, because he seems to be going through an entire set of tyres inside of seven minutes.

If we weren’t having a cracker season at the moment (and yes, all thanks to my dear friend Max – keep groveling, David ‘Pundit’ Coulthard) then I’d suggest to put in a couple of trials like these halfway each race, for extra Championship points.

Except in Singapore, of course.

Lewis is getting worried

Lewis on his way to work

Apparently our warning about revoking F1 licences for bad boys has struck home. Lewis is pissed off. He called me about it.

“This kinda limits my options, Bernie. You can take the boy out of F1, but you can’t take F1 out of the boy. What if I get another ticket? Can they really revoke my F1 licence? How fast can I speed without them doing that?”

Lewis, I say, if you don’t trust yourself, why don’t you let someone else drive?

“Let someone else drive? Like who? Nicole? Get real. Doing 300 an hour on a race track is less dangerous than sitting next to her in anything with an accelerator pedal. You can’t be serious. And I really think they’re picking on me here. It’s just not fair, is it?”

Well, Lewis, can’t help you there I’m afraid. In the words of the famous actor Don Johnson: send not to know for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee. Just stay clear of the coppers.

Hoons beware

The FIA has spoken. Lewis, if you’re caught hooning expensive cars again, you’re done for. No more superlicence for you, buster.

Michael, a tunnel ceiling is for holding the light fixtures. The road is the flat tarmacky bit on the bottom. Driving on any other part is just setting a bad example. Don’t let it happen again.

And Sebastian, I haven’t seen you drive out there but if you bring your rental car back like this once more, you’re busted. Don’t think we’re idiots.

This is what you get when drivers are getting younger every year…