Tag Archives: Lewis Hamilton

Mark Webber, snookered

Well put, Mark. Couldn’t’ve said it better myself.

Meanwhile, don’t take this too literally please, tomorrow during the start.

Lewis, let me help you out again

First there was the hooning problem. The FIA can now revoke F1 licences for anyone who won’t behave on the roads, and Lewis can’t help himself behind the wheel of a fast car. So I bought him a little Myers three wheeler with 27bhp and only one rear wheel. Can’t go wrong with that.

But now poor old Lewis has discovered Twitter. And guess what? Can’t help himself again.

“How could I know that so many people would read my tweets?” he says. “I thought I was only speaking to my fans!”

Lewis, if you put something on the Twitter the whole world can see it, not only your fans. Even I know that, and I’m from before the War.

“But that’s impossible! This means I can’t type anything on my phone without half the world getting their balls in a knot? That’s unfair! If I have a smartphone, I should be able to use it to the limit, shouldn’t I? It’s just like with cars!”

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The most retweeted, reblogged photo in F1

Caption suggestions are all over the Twitterverse, ranging from “Check this out, not bad for a second drviver, eh?” to “This is what Red Bull’s tried to do to me all season.” Or “How about this for a tie-breaker proposal?”

Don’t be fooled. people. Whatever he may be, Mark Webber is not a wimp.

I found the perfect solution for Lewis

He kept calling me late at night, saying he couldn’t sleep, getting increasingly worried about the FIA taking away his Superlicence.

We announced this a couple of months ago: in future the FIA can and will punish its licence holders for road traffic offences. If you’re really bad they’ll even take your licences away. And yes, Lewis, that includes your F1 Superlicence.

It’s a leftover from Max Mosley’s days. Max was always big on two things: Road Safety – his big legacy – and Punishment. The new system sits on the crossroads of both. It does fit very well with FIA’s new mission in life, which goes way beyond motor racing alone. As a driver you’re now not only supposed to behave on the circuit, but in ordinary traffic as well. Unless you’re Jenson Button’s bodyguard, of course. Jean Todt likes the idea as well so he’s pushed it through the General Assembly. It’s official now.

Lewis on his way to the office

Which doesn’t help Lewis’ mood. Since Melbourne he thinks everybody’s out to get him. Thing is, people keep giving him these hideously fast cars to drive around in. So he thinks he has to prove he can drive them. It doesn’t even occur to him to lift the accelerator pedal a little. ‘Braking late is in my blood,’ he keeps saying.

I even suggested him Continue reading

Threewheelergate is still keeping people busy

Hamilton in evil three-wheeler. Note that the driver has no shadow

Remember, you read about it here first. Maurice Hamilton did an in-depth investigation. From our side, we’re still investigating who let Maurice Hamilton in.

Rumours about Lewis having closed a pact with the Devil are completely baseless, of course. Coincidentally, soon after this he was propelled to fifth place on the UK’s Most Powerful Celebrities list. I’m only saying.

Lewis Hamilton And the Evil Eye of Suzuka

Poor Lewis. Suzuka really had it in for him. First he gets an ear infection, then he crashes out of first practice. Next thing he needs a new gearbox and is docked five grid places. Then his new gearbox gives out on him during the race so he has to let his team mate pass, costing him even more points.

The Evil Eye followed Lewis even at the Driver’s Parade draw. Jenson gets a Mercedes, there are Ferraris and Astons and Rollers, but Lewis has to draw the silly little three-wheeler Messerschmidt. And here comes the creepy part.

For this is the race were no fewer than three drivers end up with mysterious rear wheel failures. Di Grassi, Kubica and Rosberg all dropped out because their cars had become overpowered three wheeler Messerschmidts. If I were superstitious I’d never let Lewis near one of these things again.

But fortunately I’m not superstitious. Just saying.

Milking F1 drivers for what it’s worth

First we get to hear that Mark Webber is actually a Canberra Milk Kid. I’m not sure if this was the beginning of Mark’s advertising career, but I’ll bet it was the end of his singing career.

And now we get to see Jenson on the side of London buses, with a milk moustache and a smirk on his face. “Milk’s on the button.” Yes, we get it, thank you.

What’s next? ‘Lewis knows what stew is?’ Please people, they’re race drivers, not housewives. Next time I want to see power tools. And no gratuitous puns, please. Can we at least agree on that?