Tag Archives: robbery

All right, here it is, once and for all

A lot of people called to wish me well, some sincere, some not. I positively loathe this business when people you hardly know phone you up and start to tell you how deeply they feel for you. In most cases I can just tell seconds into the call how insincere the bloke on the other end is.

The most common giveaway is when they want you to go into details about what exactly happened. The French call it schadenfreude and it ain’t pretty. Someone else’s suffering is one of the most popular sources of entertainment. It happened to him, which makes me extra lucky it didn’t happen to me. Call me a cynic, but it’s true.

So here we go: Continue reading

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Flavio Briatore called. Now here’s a true friend

“Bernie,” he bawls into the phone. Flav has never made the transition to modern technology and still thinks that being on a mobile connection is a reason to shout. “Are you all right?”

Fine, I say, just a black eye and a dent in my self esteem. Seen worse.

“And how’s the lovely Fabiana?” Well, a bit worse for wear. It was quite traumatic for her, what with her earrings being ripped off her ears and all.

“Yes, I heard that! As I said to my bella Elisabeta when I heard the news, it’s a terrible thing to have happen when you’re with your girlfriend. Almost as bad as bumping into your wife!”

I see. What did she say?

“Nothing! She just whacked me over the head and ran off to the nearest jeweller to buy a diamond necklace. It’s how most of our conversations end.”

I can see that, Flavio. May you have a long and happy marriage and never run out of money to buy diamond necklaces.

“Why Bernie, that’s the nicest thing someone’s said to me in all my life! Mamma mia! I truly, sincerely hope that you and la bella Fabiana get over this verry soon. If you need one my villas, just say the word. Any time you like, as long as you like!”

Never say a wrong word about Flavio. He’s a true friend.

Max Mosley called. Was he worried?

No. All he wanted to know was “Did it hurt? and “Did you enjoy it?”

Not that he wasn’t polite or anything. “I do feel for you, Bernie,” he said. “And Fabiana too. In fact, I feel for you so much that I’m going to honour you with a role play in my dungeon. I was getting tired of those prison guards anyway. Tried leather clad tax auditresses for a while but it’s almost as boring as doing your taxes. This’ll definitely provide a bit of variety. So thanks, both of you, for the inspiration. Get well soon.”

Great. Now we’re a role play in Max’s dungeon. I can just picture him wearing a naff suit and having his earrings ripped off by a female mugger in a Victoria’s Secret bra and a leather harness. Argh.

I’m sorry, Jenson. I really am.

Jenson Button shaken, but not stirred

Really, sometimes I can’t help myself. And it often happens when some journo asks me a stupid question. (I know, I know, that sounds redundant, doesn’t it?)

So here’s this Reuters bloke who wants to know what I think of Jenson Button being mugged outside Interlagos. What do I think? I mean, the story’s simple, isn’t it?

Jenson’s being driven around with his entourage in armoured Merc. Merc gets stuck in traffic. Armed hoodlums pour out of nearby apartment block. Driver of said Merc has had some training in evasive driving. Driver spots hoodlums and has time of his life. Finally some real life evasive driving! Driver evasive drives Jenson and entourage to hotel. Rams several cars in the process. After all, it was only one afternoon of evasive driving school. Hoodlums decide this is too difficult and don’t pursue. Owners of damaged cars do pursue. Of course they do. They need Jenson’s details for the insurance claims. The end.

All in all this is about as exciting as watching the Bahrain Grand Prix. But the Reuters hack sees world headlines. Maybe even Continue reading