Top Gear aren’t only busy suing the old Stig, but frantically searching for a new one as well. Or a creative idea, actually. This video was released as a decoy, to disguise the fact that they’re completely unable to come up with something new.
Very funny, Clarkson.
Fans, don’t be fooled. The new Stig will be a bloke in a white suit. His identity will be a secret. All will be revealed in about three years’ time. Top Gear will sue the newly outed Stig’s pants off. Etcetera, ad nauseam.
Move on, people. Nothing to see here.
Some lunatic in Buckinghamshire has stuck a dinner table on a Reliant Scimitar chassis with an eye on breaking the world speed record for a piece of furniture. (Yes, there is one.) Somehow the Stig seems to be involved in it.
Apparently the thing can do 130 mph. The dishes are sitting on nifty little elevators. Headlights live under the fruits and the sweets, the driver can stick his head out from the middle of the table, under the roast turkey.
So no, the Stig’s not the one behind the wheel. He’s just having dinner.
Finally, the truth is out. It was you, Ben Collins. It was you all along.
Needless to say, the mystery revealed means the end of the Stig as we know him. Truth be told, I’ve had some fantasies of my own on that account. I even bought one of those outfits. Let’s not forget, I’m an ex-racing driver myself, ain’t I?
But one has to be realistic at my age. So here are a couple of suggestions for the Top Gear team.
The Stud. Research has shown that TG scores well in the 35-49 year old male segment, but they’re lagging a wee bit in the female part of the audience. This would do wonders, methinks.
The Stag. Here’s a suggestion from the Koreans. Make a bit of a greener version, in keeping with the times. Just a thought.
OK, I was kidding. Don’t pander to women, and never give in to the Koreans.
Top Gear, don’t change. Just find another Stig.
The lads in Kimchi or whatever it’s called just announced the official opening of the circuit on September 5th, comfortably in time for the Grand Prix on October 24th.
I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. Let me say this again: do not underestimate the Koreans. Ever. Top Gear did, skewering some unfortunate Hyundai model. The Koreans immediately struck back:
Now I can’t see Jeremy Clarkson any more without thinking of a moose. They didn’t forget The Stig either:
Journos, be warned. Write nicely about the Korean Grand Prix. Or else.
Hardly have I cleared up matters with Danica Patrick, or Ferrari back me up with a purpose built hair dryer engine. Most powerful beastie on the market. Especially handy when you’ve just celebrated a podium finish with a champagne shower and need to look spiffy again for the post-race conference.
Top Gear have already road-tested it. Turns out, it beats an Audi R8 Convertible hands down.
Memo for Top Gear: it’s a good idea to bring automotive civilisation to the US, and we welcome your support in this noble cause. Really. We’re in the middle of it, and we’ll need all the help we can get. So thank you for that.
But attempting to export British humour to the ex-colonies? Please! Don’t even try. Many tried before you and failed miserably. Even Monty Python couldn’t pull it off. How can you even think that the antics of Clarkson, Hammond and Captain Slow will survive mauling by American accents?
If you feel strong enough, watch the video and weep.
I rest my case.